Without wanting to go back on this post, this experience will have taught me something fundamental about me. One thing I was not sure about 10 days ago.
It may sound stupid, but this intervention has caused me to ask myself a lot of questions about my life as a woman. Somewhat scary anticipation questions like “What if …” more or less distant from the real matter.
“Do I want to have children?”
I admit that before I wanted to go to the bottom of the problem, I had to have for 2 weeks, psychosomatic symptoms like having the back blocked or catch an angina, typical with me, when I can not express a deep thought. And that in my opinion, are not symptoms to be taken lightly. Remember this post almost a year ago. Somatizing can have far more serious consequences.
To put a finger on what’s wrong, we often need help. It is necessary to talk about it. Speak out. Talk about it, verbalize it. To express our feelings in order to understand the background of the problem and thus to be able to advance, to continue our life to the best of ourselves.
The whole thing is to know who to talk to about it. Sometimes it will be with a member of our family, other times it will be with friends and other times with the help of a shrink who will have a neutral opinion and will get us back in the right path.
For my part, I understood that these rather frightening thoughts came from the fact that the loving scheme I lived up till now, had not been ideal for founding a family. Lack of stability, comfort, presence … (And be careful, when I say that, I have my part of responsibility). All these elements did not reassure me about my life as a couple in the present and even less in the future of a couple with a child.
I know that it does not bother some women to make a child in a not very favorable environment. They have so much desire for children, that’s the only thing who matters to them. For me, on the contrary, coming from divorced parent and raised by my mother, I find it super selfish and unconscious on the part of women to have a child in an “insecure” environment. Life is complicated enough so let’s not complicate it further …
So I realized that it was not especially me who did not want to have children but rather the climate of love in which I had so far evolved that I did not want it.
So, since I understood this, I feel much better, I see much clearer and I am much more serene in my life as a woman and from the age of 36 years!